One of the hardest aspects of a medication holiday is the fact that even when I feel coherent, I find it impossible to focus in any meaningful way. Although I was out for three different one to two hour blocks today, I also had more energy when I was awake. Yet, even with those moments of lucidity, I found it impossible to do anything that I truly needed to do – no correcting, no financial data entry, no office organizing. I did manage to wash a load of dishes, but that was it. Fortunately, I am more at ease with my rudderless approach to my day, but I still worry about the eventual impact that un-done work will have on my life. Those are the thoughts and burdens that I need to release. They are the things that drag me under far too often.
I am getting better at recognizing moments like this one. Even as I type this, I tell myself to breathe and to relax. My energy and focus during a medication holiday are minimal at best. Thus, I can have no expectation that I will accomplish anything during a med break, no matter how much I would “like” to get something done. I can also take comfort in the fact that I should be slightly more functional tomorrow (Monday) as a direct result of taking the time to clean my stimulant out of my body for four days. I hope I can find a better way to take medication holidays more consistently, so I don’t need to have 4 or 5 day breaks once a year. We will see what 2010 brings as I move forward constantly trying to find better ways to live with my narcolepsy.